By the end of the book, I was assured that Eleanor Oliphant was fine and so was I, in knowing that somewhere down the timeline of our life we all will embrace the words “I am fine”, as though it sums up everything we would want to say to ourselves and the world out loud, even if we have no listeners.
Shamefully, I wandered off in between as I found a forceful coalition of situations was created to lead Eleanor to the point where she starts to understand and deal with her trauma, though I couldn’t find any other way to make her question her true identity!
The pace picked up for me or rather I was too much of wanting to read about how she dealt with her past memories. This is a good read, Eleanor grows upon you. We immediately feel sorry for her, as we understand what she is missing and she being oblivious to everything around her. We sympathize with her scars and wanted her to find a way out of the protective cocoon she made for herself. We would want to embrace her. Even at the beginning, we are rooting in for her which brings me to Raymond. A perfectly ordinary guy and most importantly a friend who stuck long enough. That one person is what we all want in our life. That changes the equation of life, not necessarily by that person.
I wondered if only she had not met Raymond, what would have happened? There are so many people who cannot form any sort of bond with anyone. People just don’t include a person like Eleanor to their circle because they believe this person does not like to be involved. What would happen to them? What if they are too fragile to help themselves? It’s very easy for anyone to tell, just do it but for overcoming any traumatic event in their life however small it seems to need a lot of courage and a little bit of help!
This was the first read of the year and I want to keep the momentum going.
I was broken physically, emotionally and psychologically and yet I found bits and pieces of my true self. My beliefs, role models and aspirations have changed. I realized I wanted to love myself just the way I am, maybe even more. I also felt that I was seeing a new me, the one who I believe is true! This year, I finally faced the trauma, hmmm…I would rather say, I accepted that I was a victim among many things and I was stronger than I ever have known by showing resilience without even knowing what it meant.
2019 a game-changer for me, of course in knowing me. I don’t claim to have achieved a lot. In fact, this was the year when I did way less, much to me and everyone else’s expectations. Some days, I was genuinely happy while I agonized waking up other days. Yet, in between these I also learned to take each day as it unfolds. I make a plan without fail and sometimes I met them and other days I had to push myself through the smallest things. Most days I failed, I even didn’t want to make a plan. Those days, I drowned in my own exceeding expectations and selling myself too short. Among all that chaos I feel calm. I tell myself it’s okay to be lost at times, it’s okay not to be able to do the things I planned and its okay if everything is going south. I unknowingly started telling me to take a deep breath and be myself. That thing, that small thing, which I started doing without any suggestion helped me somehow!
I also realized that I am truly grateful for all the changes and challenges life put forth this year. This made me understand the value of a true family, the temperamental of glory called life. The hardest thing I overcame or rather still trying to overcome is the knowledge that I am not a burden to anyone. I am not the reason for anybody’s bad luck or bad time. The stories I made up to bury my sadness and to protect myself slowly became my reality, which was/is not. The hardest thing I did was to realize that my cocoon was not my world and I need to force myself to be the butterfly I ought to be!
This year helped me to accept my past. That was a huge relief in itself. Just like that let go of that weight. Its difficult, most times I go back, pick up, fondle my misery for it was all I have known. It truly was my identity but it needn’t be anymore. I never realized that I could simply go on without the baggage I carry around everywhere along with the images or nametags others have given me. Suddenly, it no longer mattered to me. I started to speak up and yes I still feel bad about things I said which I would have otherwise kept mum :).I accept that my past is something I cannot change, no matter what I did today and the things I did at that time were needed and the best of my ability at those situations. And it’s alright, it is totally alright. I still slip at times but then it is alright isn’t ??
And this year, slowly I picked up many habits which I wanted to always. I started to wake up most days @5, I started eating food most of the times. I started going to the gym almost every weekdays, started drinking water regularly, I try to be in present mostly or rather at times when I start wandering into the dark past and make myself anxious. I but almost stopped reading this year though I bought a huge number of books 🙂 The changes are all because of me simply starting to do without any conditions or expectations and just showing up to do it, again a gem of guidance I would want to continue with. Well, its the only thing that’s needed, simply show up, always…
At the beginning of this new year, I just want to be myself. Take life as it comes yet have those little dreams which I finally can dare to pursue, drop excuses on everything and approach anything without prejudice. Just one step at a time…
Though, I missed a little of my corner in the world here, I had a awesome time away with my family on a long vacation which was so brimming with lots of cuddling, loving, cooking, eating, walking, talking, watching movies and sunsets together, trekking and learning a lot of new things…
Slowly my itch to pen down those memories are closing up on my laziness to make this place live one.