Oh wow,its 2018 :).Wishing every one a very happy , proserous and a lucky new year!!!
It was the night before my wedding day. As like every other wedding place, my home too, was swarming in with relatives, friends and neighbours.A whole new show of sparkling happiness.
I was being teased by my cousins, aunties and uncles. Amidst of all these, I was repeatedly was asking myself the question, “Am I really happy ??”
I didn’t know or rather I chose not to know where my happiness lies. I knew, I soon would be plucked and replanted into a new home, into a new life. The familiarities are all gone.I have to get myself familiarized with new routines. I would just need to find myself a spot where I just exist as a living doll.
When my marriage was fixed and the invitations had to be handed over, I had realized I didn’t have much of familiar faces to invite, or even if any of those familiar faces would come this far for my wedding. But I was certain of one name that I never wanted to miss. It was his name. I didn’t know where he is, how he is or anything about him since the day we parted our ways. Except for a scribbled address on one of the pages of my notebook I didn’t have any detail about him or his existence. I even did not know if he would remember me. The only truth was that I could never forget him.
It was he, who made me realize that there is a world out there where dreams do materialize, where fear has no place. A rebel he was. He had ideas and opinions, which made him more bitter. He was always there for anyone at anytime. He was one person who lived his life on his terms. He was least bothered by what others would think. Even though people hated him for this, I admired him for his courage for being himself.
I never knew such people existed. I was one of among those common faces you see every day, not wanting to stand out in any way or anywhere. I was just the crowd. I attributed his courage to his gender and made myself believe, “If I were a guy and had come from his background probably I too would be like him”. But then, I was wrong. Soon he became a real revelation to me.
Sometimes towards the end of our courses, I had a chance to know him. Even though I was apprehensive, I really grabbed on to this opportunity. I wanted to know how to be like him, how to live my life on my terms. He stunned me by showing how he was just a normal guy but with an extraordinary attitude towards life. It was a new lease of life upon me. With him, I dared to do new things. I dreamed, I loved and I lived. He inspired me. He found out my other soul hidden in me.
I began to write. Nothing great, but he valued my words. I stuck up all night to give him new episodes of life, new scribbling the next day. He never formed any opinions about anything on what I wrote which surprisingly made me write even better. I loved every morning…I started to wait to see him those days. Everything I saw, I heard was an inspiration. I had thousands of tales to write to him. I finally found someone who listened, who stayed, who never ignored,’me’. Even though our days together were coming to end, I never felt bad about it instead I found out the profound sense of what I wanted to do with this one life.
I decided to live the life to fullest.
But, slowly and unknowingly I began to wither. Without him beside me, I could not put one step ahead. I was where we left, probably…All those dreams were buried deep only to sprout out aching pangs of pain and silent tears…but hiding them was always easier!!
Memories of him came into my mind as that part of our favourite movie, which we could see a thousand times. Sending him an invite probably would have been the only thing I did on my own. Though my parents did not like it, much to my surprise they agreed on this one.
I waited for him all evening, I was certain he would come.
But, nothing happened…No one came.
I felt an emptiness…
Later that evening, I was asked to go to bed, so that I was up early the next day. Just when I was about to change, I heard my name being called out. I came down and to my surprise, there he was.
I was flabbergasted, shocked and suddenly it felt like old days. The admiration, the silent love, and the dreams…just like the first time I met him. With his old golden smile, he gave me a nicely wrapped gift, “my wedding gift”. The reality suddenly sprang upon.
I took a deep breath and began unwrapping my gift. I could not figure out what it could be. Slowly without damaging the wrapper, I opened the gift. Everyone was waiting to see the gift.
‘For you‘-A collection of poems-By Nandhinee.
Nothing odd in the gift as he knew I loved to read. But the author’s name gave me the shock of my lifetime…
It was my name. I didn’t know what to do. I could not believe what I saw. My eyes were overflowing..and a new sense of aliveness. Suddenly my wings sprouted.He had saved up every scribble I might have ever written, for all these years and published them. For me. Just for me.
This moment, precisely, this moment…was the most meaningful moment in my life. It marked an existence. …My existence.
It’s reasonable to understand that I am starting over at here for a better tomorrow :)….Wish me luck!!
“Though I have spent an epoch of my life being in love with you, I envisage that nothing has changed even the fragrance that deluges the seams of air, whispered the droplets of rain as she made love to the parched earth with all her vigour and passion.”
In response to Daily Prompt: Fragrance
“What’s your name ?”.There comes the first question to my toddler as soon as she encounters our neighboring aunties.
“Such a lovely name.Who gave you the name ? Mama or Pappa”. – Next question comes faster than bullets and sometimes even without acknowledging my child’s answer.
“Tell me whats your mama’s name ? where does she work?” – Okay, now my child looks at me with the deep stare as if “are-u-going-to-save-me ?”.
Before even I could help her with the answer, the neighbors and well wishers tell me that my child has some kind of delay as compared to the child next door who is also of the same age but much smarter.I was awestruck at how quick their thinking is and also about their conclusions.
Yet, without any sign of stopping, they continue with the questions and this time it was on colors.My neighbour aunty pointing to her hair asked N,
“Tell me what is this.What is its color ?” – My girl replied that it’s black!
She then pointed to her teeth and asked, “Tell me what is this color ?”. My girl promptly replied “Yellow” and went back playing.
I couldn’t hold my laughter and my neighbor was turning beet red with embarrassment.And she never bothered to ask another question to my child ever 🙂
There comes a crisis in our life and boom, we simply stop and stare as if there is no one else is unluckier than us in this whole world.We deeply feel as if life had been very unkind to us.And we conveniently forget that we have a choice on how to respond to any situation in our life.
Once we realize that we still have the same set of colors with us, albeit a little broken here and there must not deter our life or our choices. Our choices are little supernovae of ourselves when we had the courage to trust, believe in one!!
Whenever I have heard the word “lucky”, instantly a couple of faces come rushing into my memory.Faces from pictures of social media or some vague memory from in between talks with friends like who tell me,”Did you hear so and so got married to the love of her life and now happily settled at some foreign location”?.Like a filmy dream. Some of my friends who were “lucky” enough to climb corporate ladders and visit onsite and settle down there while some of the faces were lucky enough to pursue an education or their
Some of the faces who I considered to be “lucky” were those who climbed very high up the corporate ladders while some were lucky enough to be able to pursue an education of their choice or even their hobby and build a wonderful career out of it while some of the faces reminded me about those who get time to spend at home with their kids and family.And when the urge of comparison begins, I slowly fall into the category of branding myself as being “unlucky“.
I must admit that this branding episode happened every time I visited FB or Instagram and did affect me a lot.I even feel into a cyclic depression by comparing myself to all others.Then one light bulb moment occurred to me on what I failed to notice.It was that every one of these lucky faces I see had sacrificed something or the other to be where they are now.It made me realise that if you closely think, any luck can be simply be attributed to the sheer hard work and persistence one puts up to achieve a dream.”Ahh haa…at that point of thought, I realise my folly and that I am unlucky not because my work was not good but because my work was weak in comparison to someone else’s.”This gave me the push to revisit my goals for my life and plans to achieve them.Mind you, this did not occur just in about a few days.I had struggled a lot with negativity in my life before I had my moment of realisation.
And in retrospective, I looked for reasons why I am lucky? I didn’t need to dig deep and was amazed by what I found and these are the true reasons, that mattered to me more than anything.
I consider myself to be lucky,
“Because I am alive at this moment.I am able to breathe freely.I have not ailments whatsoever.”
“Because I have something to eat and something to even throw away, some place warm to sleep, clean water to drink.”
“Because I am a citizen of a free country, where I could wear anything I want, where I have my freedom of speech, where I have never experienced any violence or war.”
“Because I can write, read and express my thoughts.I am able to pursue quality education and even now still keep on learning.”
“Because I can work, get paid for my work and live a happy life with my family.”
“Because at the end of the day I can go back to my home to my parents, my brother, my husband and my baby girl.”
“And above all I consider myself to be lucky because I was born.Now just think about it out of all the possible permutations and combinations of sperms and eggs, I was the only one outcome, I was the chosen one to be able to live a life in this pale blue dot of a planet.”
If being the only chosen one does not count as being lucky, I don’t know what else is!! And with this great power comes great responsibility, which I believe is to “live this one life as if nothing else matters”
Linking it with prompt for Friday Reflections “Lucky”