A status!

I am quite sad.To say the truth,I am very depressed.A lot of expectations and dreams have come crashing down.And I am unable to find a way out of it.I hoped for a better year for us a  family since the new year,but somehow the happy formula always eludes us.There is always something to worry about or being sad.Sometimes its “N” illness and at other times, it’s my work.

I have always been a hard worker in my life.Not a smart one.The hard one.A resilient one.I have toiled enormous amounts of hours reading,understanding subjects and writing exams which I clear.Yes of course with flying colors.But the losses were more.And the margin of loss was so very small.That hurt me the most.I lost an opportunity to study my favorite subject for graduation and ended up taking the most hated one! I lost opportunity to clear the most prestigious exam in the coutry just by 5 marks!! I ended up in a mediocre company with virtually non growing salary but a job nonetheless.I have kind of lost hope and I know I have settled for less,very less than what I dreamed of.Yet,I hoped for a better life once I settled with my family,but somehow the happy formula always eludes us.There is always something to worry about or being sad.Sometimes its “N” illness and at other times, it’s my work.

I will eventually find out something but I am worried I am running out of time.I feel I will become obsolete.Though I had no control over the happening of any one of these life problems and sadness that has afflicted me and my life,I still feel helpless.And I am at times mad at myself for not taking action on things which  could have steered my life in a different direction.I simply ignored those decisions which would have actually made a difference.I think being comfortable was the culprit there.It is the most important silent killer of all aspirations and dreams I had in life.

Sigh! A friend of mine once told me I am resilient.And I know its one of the essential characters needed in life.But I think “grit” is more essential.Most needed one,I hope to take charge of my life and toil, even more, harder.Yes,years have flown by.But I still have promises to keep to myself.

 

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6 thoughts on “A status!

  1. Varnam Gump says:

    Sometimes life throws googlies which we cannot face in the way we want to. That does not mean that the fighter is down. Find something that uplifts your self when these happen and come back stronger.
    You have been wise to know that many times we ourselves continue to pull ourselves down. Being brutally honest with ourselves is the most difficult and the most liberating too.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Mal Raj says:

      Thank you Leks for your kind words.

      I have always been mesmerized by fire…Have you seen the fire going out ? Just when it going out, the fire suddenly seems to come alive and burst up in flames.They burn vigorously.Later on, slowly but steadily they die out.There are sparks for sure,but then an external stimulus is needed to make spit out those gorgeous flames,which can go about engulfing others as well,thus making something out of itself.Yet,they die out.And will be forgotten.

      We all don’t want to die out like that.A cold death ?And with no eulogy to go with it ? I was trying to build my way through it,but right now I am in ashes.Might as well be the rising phoenix,but alas it takes time for me to rise above.And what’s frustrating is that every time I try to raise above,something [may be myself] continues to pull me deeper into shackles of pain and desperation and that small window of time would have already gone,puff…

      Sigh!!

      Like

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