2019, a farewell note

 

2019, what a rollercoaster drive!!

I was broken physically, emotionally and psychologically and yet I found bits and pieces of my true self. My beliefs, role models and aspirations have changed. I realized I wanted to love myself just the way I am, maybe even more. I also felt that I was seeing a new me, the one who I believe is true! This year, I finally faced the trauma, hmmm…I would rather say, I accepted that I was a victim among many things and I was stronger than I ever have known by showing resilience without even knowing what it meant.

2019 a game-changer for me, of course in knowing me. I don’t claim to have achieved a lot. In fact, this was the year when I did way less, much to me and everyone else’s expectations. Some days, I was genuinely happy while I agonized waking up other days. Yet, in between these I also learned to take each day as it unfolds. I make a plan without fail and sometimes I met them and other days I had to push myself through the smallest things. Most days I failed, I even didn’t want to make a plan. Those days, I drowned in my own exceeding expectations and selling myself too short. Among all that chaos I feel calm. I tell myself it’s okay to be lost at times, it’s okay not to be able to do the things I planned and its okay if everything is going south. I unknowingly started telling me to take a deep breath and be myself. That thing, that small thing, which I started doing without any suggestion helped me somehow!

I also realized that I am truly grateful for all the changes and challenges life put forth this year. This made me understand the value of a true family, the temperamental of glory called life. The hardest thing I overcame or rather still trying to overcome is the knowledge that I am not a burden to anyone. I am not the reason for anybody’s bad luck or bad time. The stories I made up to bury my sadness and to protect myself slowly became my reality, which was/is not. The hardest thing I did was to realize that my cocoon was not my world and I need to force myself to be the butterfly I ought to be!

This year helped me to accept my past. That was a huge relief in itself. Just like that let go of that weight. Its difficult, most times I go back, pick up, fondle my misery for it was all I have known. It truly was my identity but it needn’t be anymore. I never realized that I could simply go on without the baggage I carry around everywhere along with the images or nametags others have given me. Suddenly, it no longer mattered to me. I started to speak up and yes I still feel bad about things I said which I would have otherwise kept mum :).I accept that my past is something I cannot change, no matter what I did today and the things I did at that time were needed and the best of my ability at those situations. And it’s alright, it is totally alright. I still slip at times but then it is alright isn’t ??

And this year, slowly I picked up many habits which I wanted to always. I started to wake up most days @5, I started eating food most of the times. I started going to the gym almost every weekdays, started drinking water regularly, I try to be in present mostly or rather at times when I start wandering into the dark past and make myself anxious. I but almost stopped reading this year though I bought a huge number of books ūüôā The changes are all because of me simply starting to do without any conditions or expectations and just showing up to do it, again a gem of guidance I would want to continue with. Well, its the only thing that’s needed, simply show up, always…

At the beginning of this new year, I just want to be myself. Take life as it comes yet have those little dreams which I finally can dare to pursue, drop excuses on everything and approach anything without prejudice. Just one step at a time…

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From – rwcards

Everything I Never Told You

¬† ¬† It’s literally about everything the characters in this story never told each other.!! Reading through the book, I kept yelling in my head, for god’s sake woman just talk to your child for once!!¬†

This is a sad story of Lydia, who tragically plummeted to death!Though it was ruled out as a suited, no one in her family wanted to believe so.The rest of the story is how each member of her family gets torn apart to finally find some peace.

Even though the story is set in the ’70s, it is still relevant in our times.It reemphasizes, at least for me , the need of families to have real conversations with each other, especially with children. Even if its just the dinner talks about school or daily news or even weather, we as parents must actually show our interest and listen from our heart, to the little things and imaginations of our children has to offer us, else this story is a reminder of how ignored kids finally end up.

   Children are far delicate, observant and absorbing of things that happen in front of them, even without parents realizing. They are little adults with their beliefs and worries which are very real. Loss of parent which is one the main cause in this novel‚Äôs very scary. Anyone would blame themselves for such a situation, no wonder what kids do and they make amends or compromises with themselves.

When we become adults especially parents, we try to do multiple roles together and sometimes may forget what that really matters. We may fully be involved in the child’s life but still, fail them by being able to see them only through our eyes and maybe they became a constant reminder of your failure and somehow we need to overcome those. Sometimes we must resolve our issues before we even want to be a parent. Its so intimidating to me as a new parent that our troubles and problems can affect our children and demolish their little world which must be full of colors and hopes growing up.

Just as we grow up our compromises with life becomes bigger and bigger confrontations at every walk of life. We may fret over our decisions of the past and compare the output in our present life. What we forget is that we all have only one life, which can be lived in the way we choose to. Sometimes a little compassion is all needed for a person to pull back, maybe just a nod or a caring touch would have helped, which is what Lydia missed.And yet, she was this strong minded girl who was determined to find her own place, resolve her conflicts and be herself, but fate let her slip away.

Happy New Year!

Another year passes by and I cannot but ponder that how miraculously we have all remain the same by repeating the year before.

Sure, we did grew a year older and wiser(?). We may have loved, created and lived a fulfilled life this year.

Yet,

When our bellies grew wider, our treadmill still hangs clothes while our gym membership gets auto cancelled.

When our gadgets got newer and slicker features to help free us more time and energy despite which we became lazier and tired scrollers.

When Alexa and Google home seemingly knows more about us, our habits, our groceries and our home more than we would ever know.

When we travel to newer places in making joyous memories but our happiness was numbered to Instagram and FB likes.

When our children changed shape, size and mode of transport from our hands to hips and to their legs but yet we could not find five minutes a day only for them and their stories.

When we made a lot of mistakes with and without knowing that they were mistakes and their impact and yet we have given away so many apologies without attaching any meaning in them.

When we did a lot of things which were important but then mostly for the paycheck at end of the month which helped us ignore the red flags raised by our hear and heart.

When we wanted to star gaze but Netflix was airing Andhadhun which had to win,obivously.

When we wanted to start meditating and so we downloaded “Headspace app‚ÄĚ and miraculously we were done.

When deep down we knew we should stop, pause and reflect but then who has time for all of that ?

A whole year passed by making a lot of noise and yet didn’t make much of a difference. It is scary how we might be just repeating the year before.

Let us just believe in the magic of a new year from here and for once make some noise that becomes a lovely music to our ears!!

Happy New Year

From a Fan…

It was 1996, May or June. We had just shifted to a new home. Those days, we had no TV, heck we didn’t even have an electricity connection for few months. It was one such Saturday evening when I first heard the song ‚ÄúMehandi legate rekhna..‚ÄĚ from the neighbour‚Äôs TV. I think it was the famous countdown show of DD2, Ek Se Badhkar Ek (?). In and out just like that but I¬†kept humming the tune for many years to come. Of course, I didn’t know that the song was from the iconic movie of our times and the actor was soon to be my favourite!

SRK.

Growing up in a strict and conservative household meant movies were off limit, especially Hindi movies. I was allowed to watch just two programs that aired Hindi songs, Rangoli on Sunday mornings and Chitrahaar on Wednesdays evenings. I still remember how I used to pray hard for just one song of SRK and when that happens, I noted down everything, the song, its lyrics, the backgrounds, the other actors, the clothes and of course cute SRK. Those days he was very cute, especially in the song from Chamtkar, which was aired repeatedly!!

 

 

 

 

Most weeks, the wait would be futile. I and my friends would discuss in anger and frustrations. It seems crazy, now that I think of those days, yet I can relive those moments again and again.

The thrill to sneak out to our living room just to watch the Hindi movies that aired in DD on Friday and Saturday nights¬†is giving me goosebumps :).So as to not wake my parents, I used to watch the movie with no light and sound. It was hard, but then I didn’t want to miss the chance to watch SRK !! Baazigar was the first movie I watched of SRK and boy I was flabbergasted, like with everyone else. I too fell for the “Baazigar”, even though he killed a lot of people(?).

 

 

Why? The answer still eludes me.

Since then I was hooked. I devoured all the movies that aired on TV. I would become sad if his character dies, use to ponder how could he be saved leading to an alternative storyline. I was enthralled when he cracked jokes, made faces, sang songs, said those filmy dialogues. I loved the way he looked onscreen when he acted as if he was telling stories directly to us :D. I loved his voice, voice modulations, teary eyes, his dimpled smile and so on and so forth!!. Growing up, he and his movies defined my childhood and teenage!!

From Kabhi haa Kabhi naa

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to Kuch Kuch Hota Hai

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Add a lot of raging hormones plus the excitements on breaking restrictions and a lot of enthusiasm and love to understand the phenomenon of my love for him ūüôā

As with now, we didn’t have internet, heck we didn’t know when his movies released or how well it did. The only source of knowing anything about him was the priced Filmfare magazines which I used to devour when I visited my most hi-fi cousins during vacations. It was long but worthwhile wait!! I used to beg, borrow steal pictures from these and made a huge book of SRK. I know, ¬†Finding and collecting his pictures from magazines or newspapers used to be the most important activity of my childhood. And the barter system of exchanging pictures with friends :D, but SRK was in high demand,even those times :).

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Ah, the good old times :).

When we bought a cassette player with stereos, a big deal back then, for the first time, my tyrant father bought me Dil Se cassette and my mom bought me Dil to Pagal Hai cassette. And those were treasured moments which I still have. Those had these amazing pictures of SRK,which I used to stare at :D. We all used to be in awe, seeing SRK dance on top of the train. My four-year-old daughter also has the same awe which I am absolutely happy about ūüėČ

 

And it was much later when I got my own job and had a chance to stay away from my home, I got to watch his movie in a theatre, “My Name is Khan”.I was mesmerised by seeing him onscreen. The usual SRK was not seen at all. His eyes were so very different. “Tere naina…kept ringing in my head.I clearly remember once the movie got over, I was unable to speak or even move. I wonder what would become of me when I meet him. To be able to watch “DDLJ” in Maratha Mandir “DDLJ” in Maratha Mandir is one of my biggest dreams!! I wish it still keeps running.

 

So, why do people including me are crazy about¬†SRK. Well, even I don’t think of him as exceptionally handsome or even talented. Yet, we all love him. I think it’s because we believe him and know him like an open book especially when the rest of the stars were distant. We know his love life, his struggle, his ambitions, his wishes almost everything about him. We think we know all about him and yet he is still able to maintain who he is amidst everything!! He is a great actor, a versatile one, ¬†a humble one, respects everyone, treats everyone equally, is a great lover of sports, tech, and a big patriot, a good father, a great better half, a good orator, a sensible and a sensitive person! I can keep adding more adjectives ūüėČ

Right now I am in such a stage where I enjoy his deep and thought-provoking talks along with his masala movies.

 

 

 

 

 

OR

 

 

 

 

 

 

And the recent TED Talks,

 

 

 

tells you how good orator he is. His style of quick and witty responses, makes you wonder. His huge collection of books is another main attraction ;).And when he quotes them, I die of joy!!. To others, he seems arrogant, selfish and too much nonsense, for instance, someone like my husband. But there is a quintessential charm that he leaves on every person, be it his fan or not.

Today there are a lot of venues available to get instant fame or responses, but back then the wait to see you sir, has been the most bittersweet ones.Well, as a fan of yours, I don’t want any 300 cr movies or record-breaking¬†ones. I just want him to keep doing movies which you love and enjoy, just to take care of yourself and keep us happy with your witty one-liners in Twitter or with hot after bath pictures in Instagram :D.

Its been 22 years, and never another person has touched my life like you, Mr Superstar. :D. Once your fan always your fan.Here‚Äôs to wishing my biggest superstar¬† a ‚ÄúHappy Birthday‚ÄĚ

A Fangirl!!

Tell me!

Disguised in the thoughtfulness,
I wake up to shameful taunts

Disguised in the forgetfulness,
I feel invalidated

Disguised in the sweet words for the ‚Äčworld,
I see the burning hatred in eyes

Disguised in the disgust for me,
I hear the smirks and smiles

Disguised in finding me a new home,
I feel the tightening of the ‚Äčgrip

Disguised in the busyness,
I find my dreams crushed and levelled

Disguised in the love,
I touch the height of hypocrisy‚Äč

Disguised in the helplessness‚Äč,
I share my tearful stains on pillows

Tell me, How do I love again?

Recurring Dream! #writeup

I ran…ran as fast as I could, as far as I could. Without a sense of direction, I fled in that one momentary lapse of his attention, in all these years, from this small, dark, and stingy, dungeon in this deep forest.

I had with me, a recurring dream…the¬†last thing, I¬†believe, I ¬†remember of a past, I had. It fuelled my escape from this hopelessness.

”¬†The long-lasting¬†dream.

The last thing I ever remember of life.

The last place I saw,  from where I was abducted.

The last place I was warned not to be…

It stood tall, even after all these years…covered in green moss, beautiful and unloved, showing a way

Way-Stone”

In my pounding heart, I can already feel the calmness of a home, somewhere nearby!!

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Pic courtesy – Sue Vincent

     

 

Linking for the #writephoto challenge.

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Weekend Bliss‚Äč‚Äč

I was alone in my balcony with a cup of hot tea, on a lazy Saturday morning, err… actually afternoon amidst the boring discussions in Whatsapp chats.

While my growling stomach reminded me of food and an empty fridge, the piles of laundry made me hunt for my faithful old jeans and the white tunic.

A happy me and grumpy stomach lead my way to “Paradise Biriyani House”, which served the best combo of biriyani with raita,uff….better than any pizza in the world.

With my tummy full, I decided to pass by my favourite bookstore, which much to my surprise¬†was hosting a “Book Sale” and I was not the one to let go of the opportunity to buy a few more, even if I have dozens of unopened ones!!.

Just as I reached home, with a lot of books and a biriyani parcel it started raining heavenly, which reminded me that tomorrow was only Sunday!!.

This moment, this moment is what I call…a¬†classic weekend moment!!.

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Linking it with the prompt “Classics” for Six Sentence Stories

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*raita / *biriyani

Pics courtesy – Google Images ūüôā