2019, what a rollercoaster drive!!
I was broken physically, emotionally and psychologically and yet I found bits and pieces of my true self. My beliefs, role models and aspirations have changed. I realized I wanted to love myself just the way I am, maybe even more. I also felt that I was seeing a new me, the one who I believe is true! This year, I finally faced the trauma, hmmm…I would rather say, I accepted that I was a victim among many things and I was stronger than I ever have known by showing resilience without even knowing what it meant.
2019 a game-changer for me, of course in knowing me. I don’t claim to have achieved a lot. In fact, this was the year when I did way less, much to me and everyone else’s expectations. Some days, I was genuinely happy while I agonized waking up other days. Yet, in between these I also learned to take each day as it unfolds. I make a plan without fail and sometimes I met them and other days I had to push myself through the smallest things. Most days I failed, I even didn’t want to make a plan. Those days, I drowned in my own exceeding expectations and selling myself too short. Among all that chaos I feel calm. I tell myself it’s okay to be lost at times, it’s okay not to be able to do the things I planned and its okay if everything is going south. I unknowingly started telling me to take a deep breath and be myself. That thing, that small thing, which I started doing without any suggestion helped me somehow!
I also realized that I am truly grateful for all the changes and challenges life put forth this year. This made me understand the value of a true family, the temperamental of glory called life. The hardest thing I overcame or rather still trying to overcome is the knowledge that I am not a burden to anyone. I am not the reason for anybody’s bad luck or bad time. The stories I made up to bury my sadness and to protect myself slowly became my reality, which was/is not. The hardest thing I did was to realize that my cocoon was not my world and I need to force myself to be the butterfly I ought to be!
This year helped me to accept my past. That was a huge relief in itself. Just like that let go of that weight. Its difficult, most times I go back, pick up, fondle my misery for it was all I have known. It truly was my identity but it needn’t be anymore. I never realized that I could simply go on without the baggage I carry around everywhere along with the images or nametags others have given me. Suddenly, it no longer mattered to me. I started to speak up and yes I still feel bad about things I said which I would have otherwise kept mum :).I accept that my past is something I cannot change, no matter what I did today and the things I did at that time were needed and the best of my ability at those situations. And it’s alright, it is totally alright. I still slip at times but then it is alright isn’t ??
And this year, slowly I picked up many habits which I wanted to always. I started to wake up most days @5, I started eating food most of the times. I started going to the gym almost every weekdays, started drinking water regularly, I try to be in present mostly or rather at times when I start wandering into the dark past and make myself anxious. I but almost stopped reading this year though I bought a huge number of books 🙂 The changes are all because of me simply starting to do without any conditions or expectations and just showing up to do it, again a gem of guidance I would want to continue with. Well, its the only thing that’s needed, simply show up, always…
At the beginning of this new year, I just want to be myself. Take life as it comes yet have those little dreams which I finally can dare to pursue, drop excuses on everything and approach anything without prejudice. Just one step at a time…