Orenda-True me…

“Orenda” has revealed to me at a time I am abysmally at the lowest point in my life.I have had many set backs in life and most of the time I try to make connections with those miseries and finally reach a point where I tell myself, I deserve it.Then I let it go, pick up my pieces and go on with life.

I think I have kind of even started to wait for these periodical miseries.It always ends with blaming myself and my stars for the same.I refuse to take up any more challenges for the fear of doing something wrong.I have refused myself to be happy or to even laugh for the fear of making another episode of misery.I have refused myself to have the right to dream big and make it.I refused to take promotions thinking I won’t be a fit. I refused to take a day off thinking I might be noticed.I refused to talk openly with my family thinking(knowing) they will judge me.I keep playing various scenarios of misery and end up feeling miserable all throughout the day.

I don’t know if I will have the courage to stand for the things I believe I can do, replacing all the talks in my head, but nonetheless knowing that it need not be always BE like that gives me hope to find the true me, by following the force inside of me.

 


Em and Big Hoom

Em and the Big HoomEm and the Big Hoom by Jerry Pinto

My rating: 5 of 5 stars

When you go to a home, you knock and wait for someone from the home to open the door and let you in.There is a certain premise to enter the home, make oneself comfortable and then have a chat.And when it’s finally time to part, you might or might not have understood the reality of that home or the family.But that was not the case with Em and Big Hoom.

When I started reading this book, I was literally put in the middle of the lives of Em, Big Hoom and their family. I felt warm and welcomed to their home.Not one time did I feel I was not a part of their family.I literally lived and breathed with them.

I felt the burning and suffocating smell of beedis in my eyes and nose.I understood the bits and pieces and was able to read in between the lines from Em’s talks.I felt ashamed at the same time intrigued at her adult talks.I felt the silent, yet the roaring presence of Big Hoom.I sensed the tender love between these folks.I could hear all the thoughts of em for endless hours.I also shivered when she tried to let go of her life.And I was part relieved and a part sad when she finally left.I knew I was somewhere becoming the shadow of the narrator, who has poured his hearts out!

Our mothers are very dear to us.She somehow has been bestowed with the power of holding all the members of the family.Now, it’s very scary situation if something happens to such a strong link.And even scarier if it related to being mentally disabled.Imelda, aka Em, is one such person, who slowly and at times looses the grip of reality.

‘After you were born, someone turned on a tap. At first it was only a drip, a black drip, and I felt it as sadness. I had felt sad before . . . who hasn’t ? I knew what it was like. But I didn’t know that it would come like that, for no reason. I lived with it for weeks.’

‘Was there a drain?’

‘No. There was no drain. There isn’t one even now’.

‘It is like oil. Like molasses, slow at first.Then one morning I woke up and it was flowing free and fast. I thought I would drown in it. I thought it would drown little you and Susan. I got up, got dressed and went out onto the road and tried to jump in front of a bus. I thought it would be a final thing, quick like a bang.  Only,it wasn’t.

I don’t know if there is any better way of defining depression.It’s akin to drowning in one’s sadness, though we don’t want to be drowned and we know how to stop oneself from being drowned but yet, yet simply could not help but sink down.That’s depression.

And how can one forget Augustine, the Big Hoom ?. When there are people who simply choose to stay out of trouble by avoiding ill people from their lives, here a man who stays and fights for a normal life.His love for Em, cannot be said in words.It can be known only from the heart.

“Love is never enough. Madness is enough. It is complete, sufficient unto itself.”

Such a brilliant portrayal of a dysfunctional(?) family amongst us describing the vivid emotions and the broken thoughts of a depressed, bipolar, suicidal mother but more importantly reading this book showed me the difficulties, that sort of numbness and the absence of normalcy in the lives of the caretakers of these mentally ill people.

I wonder if one day, I fall as hard as Em, will I be lucky enough to be surrounded by folks like Em’s family?

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That day…

I was in a deep and dark slumber
Entangled in the roots of  my despair
Trapped away in my cynical world
With doors and windows
That opened to the blank walls

Suffocated and torn in the dungeon
My dried eyes refused to shed tears
My shriveled legs refused to run away
My mind refused to believe in anything
Frantically, I searched for a way out

I yelled for help with no voice at all
I kicked the dilapidated walls
A single unfit brick fell off, miraculously
A  streak of light lit the corner of the room
Taking the cue and to end my misery

I kicked to make many more bricks fall
Slowly and steadily I made an escape way
Then I realized, it was not my first time here
But I resolved this must be my last time here
I closed the portal to that alter the world
and chose to slip the key away

I was thus reborn “That day…”

**

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