Monday Blues

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Maybe we won’t remember wishing for the place,

Maybe the place does not resonate with us anymore

Maybe the place becomes suffocating

No matter what,we always get to that place, where we wanted to be

And we always do have the choice whether we want to linger there a little time or be content or even to move on…to newer places

 

 

 

2019, a farewell note

 

2019, what a rollercoaster drive!!

I was broken physically, emotionally and psychologically and yet I found bits and pieces of my true self. My beliefs, role models and aspirations have changed. I realized I wanted to love myself just the way I am, maybe even more. I also felt that I was seeing a new me, the one who I believe is true! This year, I finally faced the trauma, hmmm…I would rather say, I accepted that I was a victim among many things and I was stronger than I ever have known by showing resilience without even knowing what it meant.

2019 a game-changer for me, of course in knowing me. I don’t claim to have achieved a lot. In fact, this was the year when I did way less, much to me and everyone else’s expectations. Some days, I was genuinely happy while I agonized waking up other days. Yet, in between these I also learned to take each day as it unfolds. I make a plan without fail and sometimes I met them and other days I had to push myself through the smallest things. Most days I failed, I even didn’t want to make a plan. Those days, I drowned in my own exceeding expectations and selling myself too short. Among all that chaos I feel calm. I tell myself it’s okay to be lost at times, it’s okay not to be able to do the things I planned and its okay if everything is going south. I unknowingly started telling me to take a deep breath and be myself. That thing, that small thing, which I started doing without any suggestion helped me somehow!

I also realized that I am truly grateful for all the changes and challenges life put forth this year. This made me understand the value of a true family, the temperamental of glory called life. The hardest thing I overcame or rather still trying to overcome is the knowledge that I am not a burden to anyone. I am not the reason for anybody’s bad luck or bad time. The stories I made up to bury my sadness and to protect myself slowly became my reality, which was/is not. The hardest thing I did was to realize that my cocoon was not my world and I need to force myself to be the butterfly I ought to be!

This year helped me to accept my past. That was a huge relief in itself. Just like that let go of that weight. Its difficult, most times I go back, pick up, fondle my misery for it was all I have known. It truly was my identity but it needn’t be anymore. I never realized that I could simply go on without the baggage I carry around everywhere along with the images or nametags others have given me. Suddenly, it no longer mattered to me. I started to speak up and yes I still feel bad about things I said which I would have otherwise kept mum :).I accept that my past is something I cannot change, no matter what I did today and the things I did at that time were needed and the best of my ability at those situations. And it’s alright, it is totally alright. I still slip at times but then it is alright isn’t ??

And this year, slowly I picked up many habits which I wanted to always. I started to wake up most days @5, I started eating food most of the times. I started going to the gym almost every weekdays, started drinking water regularly, I try to be in present mostly or rather at times when I start wandering into the dark past and make myself anxious. I but almost stopped reading this year though I bought a huge number of books 🙂 The changes are all because of me simply starting to do without any conditions or expectations and just showing up to do it, again a gem of guidance I would want to continue with. Well, its the only thing that’s needed, simply show up, always…

At the beginning of this new year, I just want to be myself. Take life as it comes yet have those little dreams which I finally can dare to pursue, drop excuses on everything and approach anything without prejudice. Just one step at a time…

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From – rwcards

time

I am born, with you
As your breath escaped

I flow, with you
All through your ages

I collect, with you
Significant yet forgotten memeories

I am needed, with you
A neccesity never acknowledged

I am, with you
If used , I am nothing but,
regrets and emptiness

And when I leave, you become
Just a speck in this universe

I can never go back again
I can never be borrowed
I can only be here
I am now!

I am you and your time here…

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Hola…

Its been ages since I have peeked in here.

Though, I missed a little of my corner in the world here, I had a awesome time away with my family on a long vacation which was so brimming with lots of cuddling, loving, cooking, eating, walking, talking, watching movies and sunsets together, trekking and learning a lot of new things…

Slowly my itch to pen down those memories are closing up on my laziness to make this place live one.

So see you soon, my space!!.

Monday Blues

I am continuously in a loop of living the same day over and over again. I realize I want out but I am unable to find a way!!

I tried many things, but nothing stuck with me and hence I am stuck where I am. And, truly I don’t know what to do ahead!

Fear Not!

I fear a lot, about a lot of things.I am even afraid to acknowledge that I fear a lot.

My head says, “What if some one finds out you fear and use that against you ?”…if anything is stranger than Stranger Things, my thoughts.

Here I am even though, I know that my fears are simply over-activated-thoughts and may not even mean anything beyond what I think they are and yet I am scared.

So this year, I want to conquer my fear of various forms by acknowledging them, may be even giving them a name like “Free fall fear” whenever I ride my bike beyond 60km/hr etc and tell myself that its okay to fear and everyone in this world are afraid of something or the other but most importantly tell myself and convince myself to look beyond the fears to build a new future!!