Monday Blues

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You are enough.

2019, a farewell note

 

2019, what a rollercoaster drive!!

I was broken physically, emotionally and psychologically and yet I found bits and pieces of my true self. My beliefs, role models and aspirations have changed. I realized I wanted to love myself just the way I am, maybe even more. I also felt that I was seeing a new me, the one who I believe is true! This year, I finally faced the trauma, hmmm…I would rather say, I accepted that I was a victim among many things and I was stronger than I ever have known by showing resilience without even knowing what it meant.

2019 a game-changer for me, of course in knowing me. I don’t claim to have achieved a lot. In fact, this was the year when I did way less, much to me and everyone else’s expectations. Some days, I was genuinely happy while I agonized waking up other days. Yet, in between these I also learned to take each day as it unfolds. I make a plan without fail and sometimes I met them and other days I had to push myself through the smallest things. Most days I failed, I even didn’t want to make a plan. Those days, I drowned in my own exceeding expectations and selling myself too short. Among all that chaos I feel calm. I tell myself it’s okay to be lost at times, it’s okay not to be able to do the things I planned and its okay if everything is going south. I unknowingly started telling me to take a deep breath and be myself. That thing, that small thing, which I started doing without any suggestion helped me somehow!

I also realized that I am truly grateful for all the changes and challenges life put forth this year. This made me understand the value of a true family, the temperamental of glory called life. The hardest thing I overcame or rather still trying to overcome is the knowledge that I am not a burden to anyone. I am not the reason for anybody’s bad luck or bad time. The stories I made up to bury my sadness and to protect myself slowly became my reality, which was/is not. The hardest thing I did was to realize that my cocoon was not my world and I need to force myself to be the butterfly I ought to be!

This year helped me to accept my past. That was a huge relief in itself. Just like that let go of that weight. Its difficult, most times I go back, pick up, fondle my misery for it was all I have known. It truly was my identity but it needn’t be anymore. I never realized that I could simply go on without the baggage I carry around everywhere along with the images or nametags others have given me. Suddenly, it no longer mattered to me. I started to speak up and yes I still feel bad about things I said which I would have otherwise kept mum :).I accept that my past is something I cannot change, no matter what I did today and the things I did at that time were needed and the best of my ability at those situations. And it’s alright, it is totally alright. I still slip at times but then it is alright isn’t ??

And this year, slowly I picked up many habits which I wanted to always. I started to wake up most days @5, I started eating food most of the times. I started going to the gym almost every weekdays, started drinking water regularly, I try to be in present mostly or rather at times when I start wandering into the dark past and make myself anxious. I but almost stopped reading this year though I bought a huge number of books 🙂 The changes are all because of me simply starting to do without any conditions or expectations and just showing up to do it, again a gem of guidance I would want to continue with. Well, its the only thing that’s needed, simply show up, always…

At the beginning of this new year, I just want to be myself. Take life as it comes yet have those little dreams which I finally can dare to pursue, drop excuses on everything and approach anything without prejudice. Just one step at a time…

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From – rwcards

time

I am born, with you
As your breath escaped

I flow, with you
All through your ages

I collect, with you
Significant yet forgotten memeories

I am needed, with you
A neccesity never acknowledged

I am, with you
If used , I am nothing but,
regrets and emptiness

And when I leave, you become
Just a speck in this universe

I can never go back again
I can never be borrowed
I can only be here
I am now!

I am you and your time here…

time_fade_blog

Hola…

Its been ages since I have peeked in here.

Though, I missed a little of my corner in the world here, I had a awesome time away with my family on a long vacation which was so brimming with lots of cuddling, loving, cooking, eating, walking, talking, watching movies and sunsets together, trekking and learning a lot of new things…

Slowly my itch to pen down those memories are closing up on my laziness to make this place live one.

So see you soon, my space!!.

Monday Blues

I am continuously in a loop of living the same day over and over again. I realize I want out but I am unable to find a way!!

I tried many things, but nothing stuck with me and hence I am stuck where I am. And, truly I don’t know what to do ahead!

Fear Not!

I fear a lot, about a lot of things.I am even afraid to acknowledge that I fear a lot.

My head says, “What if some one finds out you fear and use that against you ?”…if anything is stranger than Stranger Things, my thoughts.

Here I am even though, I know that my fears are simply over-activated-thoughts and may not even mean anything beyond what I think they are and yet I am scared.

So this year, I want to conquer my fear of various forms by acknowledging them, may be even giving them a name like “Free fall fear” whenever I ride my bike beyond 60km/hr etc and tell myself that its okay to fear and everyone in this world are afraid of something or the other but most importantly tell myself and convince myself to look beyond the fears to build a new future!!

The Gift

It was the night before my wedding day. As like every other wedding place, my home too, was swarming in with relatives, friends and neighbours.A whole new show of sparkling happiness.

I was being teased by my cousins, aunties and uncles. Amidst of all these, I was repeatedly was asking myself the question, “Am I really happy ??”
I didn’t know or rather I chose not to know where my happiness lies. I knew, I soon would be plucked and replanted into a new home, into a new life. The familiarities are all gone.I have to get myself familiarized with new routines. I would just need to find myself a spot where I just exist as a living doll.

Sigh!!

When my marriage was fixed and the invitations had to be handed over, I had realized I didn’t have much of familiar faces to invite, or even if any of those familiar faces would come this far for my wedding. But I was certain of one name that I never wanted to miss. It was his name. I didn’t know where he is, how he is or anything about him since the day we parted our ways. Except for a scribbled address on one of the pages of my notebook I didn’t have any detail about him or his existence. I even did not know if he would remember me. The only truth was that I could never forget him.

It was he, who made me realize that there is a world out there where dreams do materialize, where fear has no place. A rebel he was. He had ideas and opinions, which made him more bitter. He was always there for anyone at anytime. He was one person who lived his life on his terms. He was least bothered by what others would think. Even though people hated him for this, I admired him for his courage for being himself.

I never knew such people existed. I was one of among those common faces you see every day, not wanting to stand out in any way or anywhere. I was just the crowd. I attributed his courage to his gender and made myself believe, “If I were a guy and had come from his background probably I too would be like him”. But then, I was wrong. Soon he became a real revelation to me.

Sometimes towards the end of our courses, I had a chance to know him. Even though I was apprehensive, I really grabbed on to this opportunity. I wanted to know how to be like him, how to live my life on my terms. He stunned me by showing how he was just a normal guy but with an extraordinary attitude towards life. It was a new lease of life upon me. With him, I dared to do new things. I dreamed, I loved and I lived. He inspired me. He found out my other soul hidden in me.

I began to write. Nothing great, but he valued my words. I stuck up all night to give him new episodes of life, new scribbling the next day. He never formed any opinions about anything on what I wrote which surprisingly made me write even better. I loved every morning…I started to wait to see him those days. Everything I saw, I heard was an inspiration. I had thousands of tales to write to him. I finally found someone who listened, who stayed, who never ignored,’me’. Even though our days together were coming to end, I never felt bad about it instead I found out the profound sense of what I wanted to do with this one life.

I decided to live the life to fullest.

But, slowly and unknowingly I began to wither. Without him beside me, I could not put one step ahead. I was where we left, probably…All those dreams were buried deep only to sprout out aching pangs of pain and silent tears…but hiding them was always easier!!

Memories of him came into my mind as that part of our favourite movie, which we could see a thousand times. Sending him an invite probably would have been the only thing I did on my own. Though my parents did not like it, much to my surprise they agreed on this one.

I waited for him all evening, I was certain he would come.

But, nothing happened…No one came.

I felt an emptiness…

Later that evening, I was asked to go to bed, so that I was up early the next day. Just when I was about to change, I heard my name being called out. I came down and to my surprise, there he was.

I was flabbergasted, shocked and suddenly it felt like old days. The admiration, the silent love, and the dreams…just like the first time I met him. With his old golden smile, he gave me a nicely wrapped gift, “my wedding gift”. The reality suddenly sprang upon.

I took a deep breath and began unwrapping my gift. I could not figure out what it could be. Slowly without damaging the wrapper, I opened the gift. Everyone was waiting to see the gift.

For you‘-A collection of poems-By Nandhinee.

Nothing odd in the gift as he knew I loved to read. But the author’s name gave me the shock of my lifetime…

It was my name. I didn’t know what to do. I could not believe what I saw. My eyes were overflowing..and a new sense of aliveness. Suddenly my wings sprouted.He had saved up every scribble I might have ever written, for all these years and published them. For me. Just for me.

This moment, precisely, this moment…was the most meaningful moment in my life. It marked an existence. …My existence.