Everything I Never Told You

    It’s literally about everything the characters in this story never told each other.!! Reading through the book, I kept yelling in my head, for god’s sake woman just talk to your child for once!! 

This is a sad story of Lydia, who tragically plummeted to death!Though it was ruled out as a suited, no one in her family wanted to believe so.The rest of the story is how each member of her family gets torn apart to finally find some peace.

Even though the story is set in the ’70s, it is still relevant in our times.It reemphasizes, at least for me , the need of families to have real conversations with each other, especially with children. Even if its just the dinner talks about school or daily news or even weather, we as parents must actually show our interest and listen from our heart, to the little things and imaginations of our children has to offer us, else this story is a reminder of how ignored kids finally end up.

   Children are far delicate, observant and absorbing of things that happen in front of them, even without parents realizing. They are little adults with their beliefs and worries which are very real. Loss of parent which is one the main cause in this novel’s very scary. Anyone would blame themselves for such a situation, no wonder what kids do and they make amends or compromises with themselves.

When we become adults especially parents, we try to do multiple roles together and sometimes may forget what that really matters. We may fully be involved in the child’s life but still, fail them by being able to see them only through our eyes and maybe they became a constant reminder of your failure and somehow we need to overcome those. Sometimes we must resolve our issues before we even want to be a parent. Its so intimidating to me as a new parent that our troubles and problems can affect our children and demolish their little world which must be full of colors and hopes growing up.

Just as we grow up our compromises with life becomes bigger and bigger confrontations at every walk of life. We may fret over our decisions of the past and compare the output in our present life. What we forget is that we all have only one life, which can be lived in the way we choose to. Sometimes a little compassion is all needed for a person to pull back, maybe just a nod or a caring touch would have helped, which is what Lydia missed.And yet, she was this strong minded girl who was determined to find her own place, resolve her conflicts and be herself, but fate let her slip away.

Words of 2019

Focus and Grow, two separate words complimenting each other are my words for year 2019.

Focus is something I struggle with,especially the focus to continue any project and see to the end of it. I always start a lot of things with the commitment to complete them but I never could continue with the same after the intital euphorbia of a new idea dies off. Mid way,I loose my focus and I indulge in other things.I forget to track things and I end up doing nothing at all.This year, I want to make FOCUS a central point and keep pushing and get it to closure,even if things fail or succed I want my focus to look and move ahead which leads me to my second word, Grow.

Growth is something which I never given a thought. We all grew up physically and sometimes mentally / spiritually without actually growing up.I feel that my growth is more like the weeds that we prune out. Being in the wrong place at the wrong time added to my stunned growth.And I was not bothered because I was not aware of the fact that I can mark my growth.This year begins with intentional growth of me as a person.I love to grow and blossom the way I imagine myself to be, and I want to give it my all and never give up!

From a Fan…

It was 1996, May or June. We had just shifted to a new home. Those days, we had no TV, heck we didn’t even have an electricity connection for few months. It was one such Saturday evening when I first heard the song “Mehandi legate rekhna..” from the neighbour’s TV. I think it was the famous countdown show of DD2, Ek Se Badhkar Ek (?). In and out just like that but I kept humming the tune for many years to come. Of course, I didn’t know that the song was from the iconic movie of our times and the actor was soon to be my favourite!

SRK.

Growing up in a strict and conservative household meant movies were off limit, especially Hindi movies. I was allowed to watch just two programs that aired Hindi songs, Rangoli on Sunday mornings and Chitrahaar on Wednesdays evenings. I still remember how I used to pray hard for just one song of SRK and when that happens, I noted down everything, the song, its lyrics, the backgrounds, the other actors, the clothes and of course cute SRK. Those days he was very cute, especially in the song from Chamtkar, which was aired repeatedly!!

 

 

 

 

Most weeks, the wait would be futile. I and my friends would discuss in anger and frustrations. It seems crazy, now that I think of those days, yet I can relive those moments again and again.

The thrill to sneak out to our living room just to watch the Hindi movies that aired in DD on Friday and Saturday nights is giving me goosebumps :).So as to not wake my parents, I used to watch the movie with no light and sound. It was hard, but then I didn’t want to miss the chance to watch SRK !! Baazigar was the first movie I watched of SRK and boy I was flabbergasted, like with everyone else. I too fell for the “Baazigar”, even though he killed a lot of people(?).

 

 

Why? The answer still eludes me.

Since then I was hooked. I devoured all the movies that aired on TV. I would become sad if his character dies, use to ponder how could he be saved leading to an alternative storyline. I was enthralled when he cracked jokes, made faces, sang songs, said those filmy dialogues. I loved the way he looked onscreen when he acted as if he was telling stories directly to us :D. I loved his voice, voice modulations, teary eyes, his dimpled smile and so on and so forth!!. Growing up, he and his movies defined my childhood and teenage!!

From Kabhi haa Kabhi naa

giphy

to Kuch Kuch Hota Hai

tenor

 

Add a lot of raging hormones plus the excitements on breaking restrictions and a lot of enthusiasm and love to understand the phenomenon of my love for him 🙂

As with now, we didn’t have internet, heck we didn’t know when his movies released or how well it did. The only source of knowing anything about him was the priced Filmfare magazines which I used to devour when I visited my most hi-fi cousins during vacations. It was long but worthwhile wait!! I used to beg, borrow steal pictures from these and made a huge book of SRK. I know,  Finding and collecting his pictures from magazines or newspapers used to be the most important activity of my childhood. And the barter system of exchanging pictures with friends :D, but SRK was in high demand,even those times :).

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Ah, the good old times :).

When we bought a cassette player with stereos, a big deal back then, for the first time, my tyrant father bought me Dil Se cassette and my mom bought me Dil to Pagal Hai cassette. And those were treasured moments which I still have. Those had these amazing pictures of SRK,which I used to stare at :D. We all used to be in awe, seeing SRK dance on top of the train. My four-year-old daughter also has the same awe which I am absolutely happy about 😉

 

And it was much later when I got my own job and had a chance to stay away from my home, I got to watch his movie in a theatre, “My Name is Khan”.I was mesmerised by seeing him onscreen. The usual SRK was not seen at all. His eyes were so very different. “Tere naina…kept ringing in my head.I clearly remember once the movie got over, I was unable to speak or even move. I wonder what would become of me when I meet him. To be able to watch “DDLJ” in Maratha Mandir “DDLJ” in Maratha Mandir is one of my biggest dreams!! I wish it still keeps running.

 

So, why do people including me are crazy about SRK. Well, even I don’t think of him as exceptionally handsome or even talented. Yet, we all love him. I think it’s because we believe him and know him like an open book especially when the rest of the stars were distant. We know his love life, his struggle, his ambitions, his wishes almost everything about him. We think we know all about him and yet he is still able to maintain who he is amidst everything!! He is a great actor, a versatile one,  a humble one, respects everyone, treats everyone equally, is a great lover of sports, tech, and a big patriot, a good father, a great better half, a good orator, a sensible and a sensitive person! I can keep adding more adjectives 😉

Right now I am in such a stage where I enjoy his deep and thought-provoking talks along with his masala movies.

 

 

 

 

 

OR

 

 

 

 

 

 

And the recent TED Talks,

 

 

 

tells you how good orator he is. His style of quick and witty responses, makes you wonder. His huge collection of books is another main attraction ;).And when he quotes them, I die of joy!!. To others, he seems arrogant, selfish and too much nonsense, for instance, someone like my husband. But there is a quintessential charm that he leaves on every person, be it his fan or not.

Today there are a lot of venues available to get instant fame or responses, but back then the wait to see you sir, has been the most bittersweet ones.Well, as a fan of yours, I don’t want any 300 cr movies or record-breaking ones. I just want him to keep doing movies which you love and enjoy, just to take care of yourself and keep us happy with your witty one-liners in Twitter or with hot after bath pictures in Instagram :D.

Its been 22 years, and never another person has touched my life like you, Mr Superstar. :D. Once your fan always your fan.Here’s to wishing my biggest superstar  a “Happy Birthday”

A Fangirl!!

My travel diary!

If I really take a hard look at my travel diaries, there are no glamorous destinations or any rich experinces but yet every place I have visited had given me some of the most cherished moments of my life.Like the first flight I took to Chennai or the first boat trip in oceans of Andaman or the visiting the famous Taj Mahal.Nonetheless it was all very exciting and simply pompous things that I could share with my friends.

These journeys to many of the touristy places with my family as a child or as a teenager, I saw only the monuments or structures and the stories of the kings who built them or any story behind it as a passe. I had a epitome of emotions only after I started travelling alone.The incredible beauty of the places I visited as a child increased many folds when I was able to see it through my eyes.Be it the flower motifs or the lasting inks of paintings everything made sense as if a story is being told.Even if its a lake or a waterfall the beauty seems to quadraupled when traveled alone with all the time in your hands.

I noticed that more importantly,I began to appreciate the journey as much as the destinations.The whiff of wind of every place was different, sometimes its the blooming flowers of the season other occasions the drying crops..even the drying cow dung told a story or so I felt.The normal buses or sleeper coaches or even the general train seats captured my senses more than I could have imagined.And it helped me find a little freedom in my otherwise tied down lifestyle.

I also felt that the same places have different set of beauty when seasons changes like the snowing kashmir with the frozen Dal lake to the shimmering of wild blooms and a Shikkar ride on Dal lake,which made me appreciate my life even better, in our lives, how the sometimes the same people or certain memories give us a different warmth,just like seasons!The same memories which get imprinted with us even without loosing any of the details can become quite difficult to be rememebered no matter how hard we tried.

Now if we are able to keep aside all of our problems and issues of life and simply go on forward with an open mind, just reminding ourself that even a walk to buy vegetables may become an enriching experience.We dont need to travel to exotic locations or take selfies every moment to capture the essence of our lives, sometimes we just need to be present, at the moment, physically and spiritually.

So SayYesToTheWorld   all the experiences it has to offer to us and take up every opportunity that comes on our way, make some great plans or dont make plans, have a bucket list or a blind list ,make anything happen or simply wait,never want everything to be completely be figured out or never feel sorry for not having done this before. Just seize the moment and go on a blind date with yourself and explore our beautiful world both inside and outside!”

I’m blogging about #TheBlindList and #SayYesToTheWorld for Indiblogger.Checkout this wonderful video as well.

Google,all pictures your courtsey!

 

Fragrance

 

“Though I have spent an epoch of my life being in love with you, I envisage that nothing has changed even the fragrance that deluges the seams of air, whispered the droplets of rain as she made love to the parched earth with all her vigour and passion.”

In response to Daily Prompt: Fragrance

Being Lucky!!

Whenever I have heard the word “lucky”, instantly a couple of faces come rushing into my memory.Faces from pictures of social media or some vague memory from in between talks with friends like who tell me,”Did you hear so and so got married to the love of her life and now happily settled at some foreign location”?.Like a filmy dream. Some of my friends who were “lucky” enough to climb corporate ladders and visit onsite and settle down there while some of the faces were lucky enough to pursue an education or their

Some of the faces who I considered to be “lucky” were those who climbed very high up the corporate ladders while some were lucky enough to be able to pursue an education of their choice or even their hobby and build a wonderful career out of it while some of the faces reminded me about those who get time to spend at home with their kids and family.And when the urge of comparison begins, I slowly fall into the category of branding myself as being “unlucky“.

I must admit that this branding episode happened every time I visited FB or Instagram and did affect me a lot.I even feel into a cyclic depression by comparing myself to all others.Then one light bulb moment occurred to me on what I failed to notice.It was that every one of these lucky faces I see had sacrificed something or the other to be where they are now.It made me realise that if you closely think, any luck can be simply be attributed to the sheer hard work and persistence one puts up to achieve a dream.”Ahh haa…at that point of thought, I realise my folly and that I am unlucky not because my work was not good but because my work was weak in comparison to someone else’s.”This gave me the push to revisit my goals for my life and plans to achieve them.Mind you, this did not occur just in about a few days.I had struggled a lot with negativity in my life before I had my moment of realisation.

And in retrospective, I looked for reasons why I am lucky? I didn’t need to dig deep and was amazed by what I found and these are the true reasons, that mattered to me more than anything.

I consider myself to be lucky,

“Because I am alive at this moment.I am able to breathe freely.I have not ailments whatsoever.”

“Because I have something to eat and something to even throw away, some place warm to sleep, clean water to drink.”

“Because I am a citizen of a free country, where I could wear anything I want, where I have my freedom of speech, where I have never experienced any violence or war.”

“Because I can write, read and express my thoughts.I am able to pursue quality education and even now still keep on learning.”

“Because I can work, get paid for my work and live a happy life with my family.”

“Because at the end of the day I can go back to my home to my parents, my brother, my husband and my baby girl.”

“And above all I consider myself to be lucky because I was born.Now just think about it out of all the possible permutations and combinations of sperms and eggs, I was the only one outcome, I was the chosen one to be able to live a life in this pale blue dot of a planet.”

If being the only chosen one does not count as being lucky, I don’t know what else is!! And with this great power comes great responsibility, which I believe is to “live this one life as if nothing else matters”

Linking it with prompt for Friday Reflections “Lucky”

 

 

Soul Murmurs

How do you do that? “, she asked him in wonder.

Do what?“,he looked at her quizzingly.

You just said what I was about to say, the exact same words“, she exclaimed!!

Oh that!!.Don’t tell anyone. It’s a secret.

He then adjusted his voice and told me “I have this powerful weapon with me to make a connection with the soul of the every person I meet.It’s not their thoughts in the head or the words of their heart but the real murmur of the soul.” His charming laughter broke my thoughts.

***

I am not ready, yet“, he said.

At that moment she knew, she had lost him forever.

No, please don’t.Those are not the words my soul is trying to tell you.”,she murmured.

***

So ? ” she asked.

I think, no… I know, I have been a stupid to listen to my ego than my soul when it told me to hold on to you.Though I boasted about making a connection to people’s soul’s I could not connect to my own.I am sorry….I really am“, he said apologetically.

Oh that’s okay, it happens“.She dismissed him.

She wondered if he could hear her soul now, after all these years…

***

 

Courtesy : Google Images / http://purplecyanidediamond.deviantart.com/art/if-you-walk-away-every-day-it-ll-rain-287273535

 

In response to the  Friday Reflections: “The shattering of a heart when being broken is the loudest quiet ever.”
― Carroll Bryant