Sonder

That dark thought of giving up his life, was following him all over.The taunts, comparisons and unmet expectations had driven him to exhaustion.

It was when he had almost given up that he heard the suicide of a friend, the one with whom he had constantly been compared to.He could not believe that his ideal person with perfect qualifications, perfect job, the perfect family was living under such a facade of lies.

He was simply speechless when he realized that every single person has a story of his own, about his aspirations and dreams and failures.But what was startled him was the knowledge that everyone has the choice to write the story their own story, as they like.

 

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Quietus

 

That dawn,
among stars
I was,
someone’s angel
Under the blanket, 
of pure love
I drift to a,
beautiful slumber
Suddenly ,
I suffocate
I envisage,
I am
Inside the cocoon,
of my sadness 
And slowly,
 I die…
***

Orenda-True me…

“Orenda” has revealed to me at a time I am abysmally at the lowest point in my life.I have had many set backs in life and most of the time I try to make connections with those miseries and finally reach a point where I tell myself, I deserve it.Then I let it go, pick up my pieces and go on with life.

I think I have kind of even started to wait for these periodical miseries.It always ends with blaming myself and my stars for the same.I refuse to take up any more challenges for the fear of doing something wrong.I have refused myself to be happy or to even laugh for the fear of making another episode of misery.I have refused myself to have the right to dream big and make it.I refused to take promotions thinking I won’t be a fit. I refused to take a day off thinking I might be noticed.I refused to talk openly with my family thinking(knowing) they will judge me.I keep playing various scenarios of misery and end up feeling miserable all throughout the day.

I don’t know if I will have the courage to stand for the things I believe I can do, replacing all the talks in my head, but nonetheless knowing that it need not be always BE like that gives me hope to find the true me, by following the force inside of me.

 


A Jouska…

Ah, you know that dream of mine?

What about it?

It’s all gone, turned to ashes, just like that….puff

Huh!! What do you mean by gone?

The one thing which I was most looking forward to, the one thing that would have – could have changed my destiny is now out of my hands.I am a failure.

Good!! 

Good ?? What do you mean by good? I am telling you I have become “good-for-nothing”

Do you know why I said it was good? Because I have known you from the time you were born.In fact, I was born with you, remember. And I have always known, you are destined for something much better.And this failure is going to lead you right there, where you never have imagined.

Yeah, yeah!! I have heard this many times.But let me ask you if I am unable to achieve something this small, how am I going to achieve something big as you say ?? Tell me!!

……………

Ahh !! I know you don’t have the answer right? Now just shut up and leave me alone.

Yes, I don’t have an answer to your logical question.I am simply letting you know what I feel about you,truly. I believe in you more than your logical conclusion.

And I know,”Dreams grow, especially when given failures as fertilisers” 

Oh!!

Hmm..

**

 

Note: A dream, I had for many years got crushed today, once again. It is truly devastating.And this is what was going on in my head since I heard the crashing of my dreams.Somehow, I this failure stings real bad!!

 

A year of toddler school

Today is the last day of the first year in school, of my little girl.I am happy as well as sad about it.She was just 2 years old when we send decided to send her to nursery school.Though I never wanted to, circumstances of a working mother made me do it :|.I learned a lot about her as well as about me during this one year of her school.Like for instances, she already has a persona of her’s and she is totally different when @home and when @school.Even at this tender age, she clearly demands her needs and the numero uno of the same is “No school today”.Every other day is a chore, but once she reaches her school, she turns to this “happy child” running to be part of her class.

I am told she is quite naughty in her class and has trouble making friends.Though she likes her individual place, she also likes her activities in school.I was also so very happy to see her mingling with people other than us, her family.She loves to swing and slide and is an outdoor person.And she loves cars more than dolls.She loves to cycle and even learned to cycle from her school.And from today its the vacation time.Sigh!! what used to excite me in my younger days is kind of a dreaded affair in “N” ‘s case.

Ah!! the beautiful and treasured memories associated with the summer vacations…I wonder what would it be for “N”.But with time we too will have to let go of traditions and embrace new memories, in fact help “N” find or create her own memories for a life.I had always disliked summer classes what so ever but right now I have no other option other than to enroll her in some or other classes.And there are so many.I think it is quite difficult to select one of those, even more difficult than getting school admissions and in such exorbitant prices.It is moments like these that I despise working :|.

I believe[d] that I will take the fullest control of my kid’s life until she joins her school like 1st std or so.It’s like I will get to decide everything about her.I even didn’t want to work until she is like 6 or so.I always wanted to feed her, bathe her, select her clothes, play with her and let her be herself.This was my plan even I got into the labor room, but financial fate had other plans.It is quite depressing that I have never got to enjoy anything at all[a true state of many of my peers].The days when I have an off, I might do something that upsets her routines and she is irritated, which as a vicious circle irritates me.I realized, I was depressed.

Nowadays, I just take it one day at a time, help myself so that I can be with her, try to squeeze is more “us” time and move ahead.

Happy Holidays!!

The Life!

Once upon a time there lived a little girl,happily talking to herself,playing with colors,doing things that made her happy.As time flew by,she went to school that supposedly help her pave a way in this world.In order to stay at the top of the race amongst her friends,she was molded into someone else.The essence of “her” started mixing up with what she must become as sought by the world lead to new definitions ,dreams and desires in her life about what she would become in “future”,those places she will travel “alone”,how life would sprout beyond the daily scenes.

And then came the rebel days.Then the remorse days.Then the whining and cribbing days.Then the depressional days.Every single event made a deep impression upon her life,molding and modifying her thoughts about her life, society and family.The thoughts and dreams she had about life remained that way.She became so hard to even think about a possibility of life beyond her routines.The world around her changed,miles ahead but she is stuck,some place reminding herself of what she could have been,what she could have done to change the world.She has grown into a beautiful lady,fulfilling desires of her family,working as society expected,but inside,she is hurt,fearful,bolted up with emotions.She knows this way of life is not what she wanted,but still she is powerless!!

No,I never thought I will be doing what I am doing right now.Not even in my wildest dreams,coz I never really knew what I wanted to do with my life.I am just a follower,following those who walked before me,following some age-old instructions,following into some unknown outcomes of life.Never once did I knew or realize that I can move a muscle to make a change and figure out what I want in my life,with my life.Only today did I realize the true meaning of this quote ““Someone once told me the definition of Hell: The last day you have on earth, the person you became will meet the person you could have become.” Anonymous .And that is because of I feel a twitch in my heart or a knot in my stomach which constantly reminds me that something is not right,that I am living a life handcrafted for someone else!!

In response to the prompt from #FridayReflections  – “Did you think you’d be doing what you’re currently doing in life? Write a personal essay.” 

Write Tribe

A status!

I am quite sad.To say the truth,I am very depressed.A lot of expectations and dreams have come crashing down.And I am unable to find a way out of it.I hoped for a better year for us a  family since the new year,but somehow the happy formula always eludes us.There is always something to worry about or being sad.Sometimes its “N” illness and at other times, it’s my work.

I have always been a hard worker in my life.Not a smart one.The hard one.A resilient one.I have toiled enormous amounts of hours reading,understanding subjects and writing exams which I clear.Yes of course with flying colors.But the losses were more.And the margin of loss was so very small.That hurt me the most.I lost an opportunity to study my favorite subject for graduation and ended up taking the most hated one! I lost opportunity to clear the most prestigious exam in the coutry just by 5 marks!! I ended up in a mediocre company with virtually non growing salary but a job nonetheless.I have kind of lost hope and I know I have settled for less,very less than what I dreamed of.Yet,I hoped for a better life once I settled with my family,but somehow the happy formula always eludes us.There is always something to worry about or being sad.Sometimes its “N” illness and at other times, it’s my work.

I will eventually find out something but I am worried I am running out of time.I feel I will become obsolete.Though I had no control over the happening of any one of these life problems and sadness that has afflicted me and my life,I still feel helpless.And I am at times mad at myself for not taking action on things which  could have steered my life in a different direction.I simply ignored those decisions which would have actually made a difference.I think being comfortable was the culprit there.It is the most important silent killer of all aspirations and dreams I had in life.

Sigh! A friend of mine once told me I am resilient.And I know its one of the essential characters needed in life.But I think “grit” is more essential.Most needed one,I hope to take charge of my life and toil, even more, harder.Yes,years have flown by.But I still have promises to keep to myself.